The Blog

Let’s talk about the night before the traditional ceremony 😬

Updated: May 13, 2020

Wooooiiiiiii I was NOT READY!

I won't be going into too much detail because my mother might read this and I'm not trying to get myself into no trouble okkuuurrr... I’m a grown woman but I’m still her baby, she is not afraid to pull up on me!

So it was my mother, a couple of auntie's and my adopted grandmother (my grandparents passed away before I was born and when I was younger) and let me tell you the advice they gave me really opened my eyes to the things that they had to deal with as women in their time. Being told practical advice which really has helped me in my marriage such as;

  • “it's not every argument you have to win”,

  • “sometimes just make yourself seem smaller for the sake of peace in your home”,

  • “always make your husband feel like the head of the house through your actions, it's not always him that will make the main decisions in the house but you need to allow him to feel as though it is”.

With that last one I was like 'huh?' but 3 generations of women have said this to me and yeah I now get it now. Let’s just say I’m really working on that one!

Then there was the other advice such as;

  • “even if he cheats don't leave the house”,

  • “learn to lower your voice so that you don't become a punching bag”,

  • “even if he wants sex while you are on your period you have to just do it.. put down towels”.

Now this advice that they were giving me really shocked me because I see them as extremely strong women who would not take BS from anyone but from the way that they spoke, it sounded to me as though they went through some really hard & possibly dark times within their lives. It ain’t easy being married but it sounds like it was a lot harder back then. Let me be clear, my mother was very quiet for majority of this part so I would like to imagine it’s because she could not speak on what she did not experience and I’m very glad. Had she been very loud, I can’t lie I might have looked at my dad sideways 😳.

While the latter really touched a nerve for me, it also made me see the strength they had as women. However, a lot of the things that they dealt with I think we now know longer have to deal with because of the way that society has changed and because of the ability to provide for ourselves as women. That doesn't mean that when you're married, at the first sign of trouble or disagreement you jump to divorce. No! However it does mean, in my opinion, that we no longer have to depend on the man in order to survive financially and in order to keep a stable home. As a woman who believes in God and from the little that I know of the Bible, my understanding is one of the only times divorce is permitted is if there is sexual sin within the marriage. This means that for everything else you've got to work it out, it’s not just something you should jump in and out of. It’s not dating!

All this really made me deep the importance of choosing the right man/woman and is the reason I always scream “ ENJOY YOUR SINGLE LIFE” and “TAKE YOUR TIME WHEN CHOOSING A HUSBAND/WIFE” ..I go through things in marriage with my husband then think ‘imagine if I was with someone who doesn’t know how to communicate with me properly or someone who just spent all his money without thinking of the impact on us’ Lord I would be miserable! My husband seriously frustrates me at times and don't think I haven't thought 'what if' (I'm still human) but he is someone who is open to learning and growing as a unit. He hears me, he's honest with me (sometimes a bit too honest 🤦🏽‍♀️) and is willing to put in the work for us, no matter what that work may be. That's partly why I married him.

"Till death do us part" does not include "unless I no longer feel like it" at the end. People do not take this seriously enough at times. Marriage is so beautiful but it's also not to be taken lightly, it comes with a lot of challenges. When you're picking your forever human, ask yourself some questions before saying "I DO". Do your research, be honest with yourself and put your heart to the side for a moment so you can think with your head (you most likely already know that you love that person if you're thinking about marrying them - or at least I hope you would). Be sure that you are choosing a person of good measure, and someone you can genuinely see yourself growing old and grey with, all flaws included. Picking the right person for you won't make the challenges go away, but it will make the journey a whole lot more enjoyable even with those challenges being there.

As always, let's talk about it. Send me a message, drop a comment and give the post a like! Let's talk and all help each other out.

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