The Blog

Un-Diagnosed Pain...

This one is an emotional and detailed post written from place of frustration. If you are uncomfortable with talking about periods, sex, emotions & with swearing then it's probably best you don't read this one.

Context: This was something I wrote last week, the day after I had been experience serious pelvic pain. The previous 24 hours had been spent in bed because I could not walk and was in too much pain to do anything. I had spent the day taking pain killers and attempting to sleep. I was emotional, I was feeling so low and I was just fed up. This pain now affects me being intimate with my husband from time to time and I know I am not the only woman who goes through this but no one I know talks about it so I decided to just write and maybe someone can help me out because the doctors really haven't. I am so sick of it and I just want to be 'normal'. Please be sensitive when writing to me about this, this is something I have dealt with for far too long.


P.s. I did not edit what you are about to read after writing, I just wrote. I feel it's important to just leave it that way.


Tuesday...


4am and I'm up and crying again over something that should have been resolved. For the last 13 years I have been dealing with this shit and it just seems to evolve and change in different ways but most time I go to ask for help I'm met with the most disgusting responses from doctors. "oh it's just gas", "oh don't hold your baby then" like are you fucking kidding me! Honestly, if not for my family and this patient man God gave me I don't know how I would be able to cope with this because it really feels like doctors do not care about black women or take them seriously. As soon as they see him come in and push them it's all hands on deck but when I'm telling you shit you're out here moving like I'm a drama queen who doesn't know what the fuck is going on with her body...Anyway here it is sha...


Everything really started for me about 12/13 years ago. Periods have always been super painful for me and often I would find myself fainting in high school or off sick because of my periods. Move to college and the pains intensified to me not being able to walk, have to take some extremely strong pain killers and constantly going back and forth to the doctors or to the hospital. All the period tablets that get prescribed didn't work and the pill just made me feel like trash on top of the pains I felt (I tried a few). Fast forward to university and there's times were I was crying in pain and my girls had to come pick me up, get me heat pads, hot water bottle and pain killers all to try help me feel better. If that didn't work, an ambulance was always called for me.


The worst thing about the whole situation is the doctors I've met along the way. I have had to have morphine too many times to be met with "the pain can't be that bad". So you think I'm coming to A&E for the fun of it? You really think I do not have better things to do with my time? You think I wouldn't rather watch paint dry than coming to the emergency room, waiting for hours, being spoken to in a patronising tone and being made to feel like I am over exaggerating pain that I HAVE TO TAKE MORPHINE for? Get all the way out of here! Also having to take morphine is actually not fun. It's a reminder to me that I still have something wrong with me that doctors don't seem to care about.


I am so hurt and so fed up of having to deal with this. In those 13 or so years of dealing with all this, I have met one doctor who has actually wanted to look into this for me and one doctor who kind of helped but I think was a bit scalpel happy. The first doctor was a doctor who worked for the NHS. He was a black man who seemed to really want to get to the bottom of what was going on. When I first went to see him I feel like he could just see how I was over it all. I had been pocked & prodded a countless amount of times over the years and the end result was always 'we don't know, just take pain killers'. He reassured me he would do everything he can and he did try sha, I'll give him that. He ran so many test and it felt like he had gotten a lot further in the months I was seeing him than any other doctor had bothered to in the years I had been dealing with these pains. Circumstances changed and I had to go private. Then I had an Asian lady who again seemed interested but also seemed eager for a laproscopy.


I really thought they had sorted things then gradually it all started again .. mild period pains to slight pain during sex to excruciating pain after sex. This last time it happened, I cried. Sobbed like a baby who had just had their sweet yanked out of their hand. I cried so much and just felt so defeated. Back at square one and having to deal with trash doctors. All that kept running in my mind was the time just after giving birth to my daughter. I had gone into Oldham hospital and I remember telling the doctor that I was in so much pain that I couldn't even hold my newborn. His response "well then don't carry your baby"... I didn't even know what to say to that, I just cried and told the nurse I wanted to go home. Words cannot describe the anger and hurt that I felt. After that day I said I cannot go back to the hospital. Only when I feel like death is knocking at my door will I go because I can't deal with that. To be made to feel like that is honestly so painful.


I've been prescribed paracetamol, ibuprofen, cocodamol, codeine, naproxen, dihydrocodeine and morphine, others I can't remember but those are the constant ones. I've had two laproscopies. I AM TIRED! I now self medicate to ease the pain.. NOT to make the pain go away ooo, to just make it bearable so that I can walk and get on with shit. Funny enough my story is not singular. I have had friends who have been made to feel like pure trash by doctors. Why is this the case for black women majority of the time?


What now?



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